Displaced Aggression

Displaced Aggression I’m going through a very tough situation in my life – hence the slower development of Grafpad and RapydScript. I won’t get into the details, but basically I’m being sued over a house purchase that fell through. It’s a very stressful situation to be in, and I don’t believe the other party is enjoying it any more than I do. The question then is, why don’t we just discuss it like human beings?

I tried to reason with the other party repeatedly to minimize damages to both. She is not interested in negotiating, her attorney says “she is angry”. She insists that she wants to recover her damages. I still fail to see what those damages are. The mortgage is paid off, she may have incurred a few hundred dollars of extra utility bills she wouldn’t have paid if she moved earlier. I already offered several thousand to make up for it and avoid headaches, we also suggested that she offer her own “just” amount. She refused, her response was that she is angry and intends to take it to court – a court that will take over a year to get to and is just as likely to rule in my favor as in hers.

As a result of the lawsuit, both parties have already incurred several thousand dollars more in lawsuit fees. What did I do that she is so angry about, you may ask? I simply wasn’t able to complete the transaction due to a perfect storm of unfortunate events (recent change in local laws, problems with the bank due to these laws, as well as misinformation from a third party). Another buyer walked away right before me as well, and the seller was angry with them too. I should have seen that as a red flag.

Why am I sharing this? Because I don’t believe that the seller is trying to make a quick buck off of me. If the goal was to maximize her own good, she would have taken the settlement or offered a counter, minimizing harm to both parties, while still maximizing her gain. That is how rational people think. Unfortunately, it seems like it’s not what the seller is after. She is angry. It’s not her own good or damages she cares about, it’s maximizing harm to me – even if it means incurring the same harm herself in the process. Why? Because she is angry, because she wants to “punish” someone for the pain she feels.

When you think like this, you will eventually find someone to punish. Problem is, you’re punishing another victim, you’re not addressing the real cause of the problem. She was angry at the previous buyer, that same anger was later projected at me, amplified by additional headaches. Why was she angry at me? Because this house was a pain to sell (it was on the market for over a year) and because I happened to be the easiest target in this interaction. When you’re angry, you don’t think rationally. When you’re angry, you’re simply searching for a scapegoat, you’re not searching for a solution. If we asked ourselves “how to solve this problem?” more often and “who caused the problem?” less often, we’d create less stress for everyone and we’d need less lawsuits to settle things.

This entry was posted in People, Psychology and tagged by Alexander Tsepkov. Bookmark the permalink.

About Alexander Tsepkov

Founder and CEO of Pyjeon. He started out with C++, but switched to Python as his main programming language due to its clean syntax and productivity. He often uses other languages for his work as well, such as JavaScript, Perl, and RapydScript. His posts tend to cover user experience, design considerations, languages, web development, Linux environment, as well as challenges of running a start-up.

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